Something is wrong with me today. Something doesn't seem right. It's not a bad grade in a class. The grade was better than I expected. It's not a messy room or lost things. It's not even lack of a person to hold hands with. It's not anything specific. There's only one thing it really could be, but I'm not sure that its that thing either.
I don't know what to say. It scares me because I always know what to say at the very least to myself. I always know what's going on in my head. Today I just don't know. This not knowing is making me anxious. It makes me want to go for a long walk nowhere.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm not sad, I'm not happy, but I should be happy right now. I made really nice things, I am enjoying the sun. I am writing this outside.
This reminds me of the time that John and I took a bunch of photos together. We went outside when he lived with his parents. John near the basketball court with the graffiti. I still have the photos, and I still like them, but I remember feeling so distant that day.
I thought all the photos were going to be terrible because I was feeling terrible. They weren't. Today is so beautiful and I am wasting it by feeling like this. I wish I could just shake this out of me, yet I can only think of one way to do that.
Summer vacation. I crawl into my head and can't seem to get out.
Always a ______.
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