Two steps forward, one step back.

Just so you know, it takes a long time to be stable again. It takes a long time to feel worthwhile, loved, cared for, and appreciated. I am not stable yet, but I'm getting there. I am getting there taking two steps forward, one step back. This is my own pace.

When I come here, its one step forward, and four steps back. One step forward, three steps back. One step forward, eight steps back. I wonder why I take any steps forward, or why I try. Maybe it's to fuck with myself. You know, to make myself believe that I'm ever going to get out of here, out of this cycle.

I got some clarity stepping forward and not being dragged back. Maybe its a fantasy, but maybe I'll be able to move to the slow progress club one day. Find other two step forward and one step backers. We would still make mistakes, still hesitate and worry over things (hence the step back). But at the end of a month or a year we would be somewhere. We wouldn't be like those people who dash through life and lovers and end up stuck. Slow progress, slow measurable growth.

Here, that doesn't happen. Here is shaking, yelling, stress. It's the tone of voice that makes me feel worthless, the yelling at 10am. The sighs and rolling of eyes. Body language lets me know that you didn't want to hug me. I tried for positive conversation, and ten seconds later I was criticized for it.

Girl, it's too early in the morning for tears. It's best just to accept it. Progress here is negative. It's negative, and its hard to understand that we lived like this all our life, and will continue for whatever's left of it.

In making progress last year, I made anger. Made people angry, made people think. Made people ask themselves, "Who is she?" Made myself think. Everything I accomplished I fought for. I have scars to prove it. I am willing to do the same this year, willing to fight for everything I want, but you get so tired.

I'm so tired. So tired of having to fight so hard for what seems like so little. I want to take two steps forward and one step back. I don't want to have to hide zines and books and notebooks and keep all my art in a drawer. School is enough of a thing by itself. My head and all the shit it spews is enough of a thing by itself. Identity and love, or lack thereof is enough of a thing by itself. To add everything else to this makes me want to vomit. I am so tired.

I am so tired. I am strong, but it takes strength to stand. I am strong, but even the strong get tired, and want to give up. Two steps forward and one step back. Mon fils, il faut m'aimer. Last night I had a dream where I asked to buy stamps in french from a post office. Maybe I should go to Montreal and stay there.