I have never felt worse.

The external self is pretty much the same as always. Thumbs up, smiles, chit-chat with people you see too often. People I talk to or don't talk to, people I want to talk to and talk to. Gets you to school and from school. External self takes pretty good notes in class, will help other people write essays, and if you say, "Want to meet up, even though you're busy?" External self will say yes, and you'll go. You'll probably have an average time talking about life and its annoyances.

Internal self can barely get out of bed. It feels emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. Headaches, nausea. Details you don't want to know. I have never felt worse in all of my days. Missing class, and I wonder if I can justify it for these reasons? I have never felt worse than this before. All the sad days put together are better than this.

It's frightening. I have never felt so uncaring, apathetic, and turned off from school, friends, and family. I don't want to make zines, I don't want to write letters. I don't want to go to school, I don't want to go home. I don't want to be around people, but nor do I want to be alone. I don't want to go outside, I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to read articles, write assignments. When I force myself into doing any of these things, it doesn't feel right.

If these are supposed to be the most vibrant years of my life, clearly I've burnt out too soon. I wouldn't even call this burning out. I've burnt out before, and I know what that feels like. You feel like you've given everything that you've got, and you can't give anymore.

This feels like dying. Like I am slowly giving up everything I care about, things I would have fought harder for, but just let go. I am creating problems and messes, paperwork and coursework that's simply not getting done. Projects unstarted and unfinished for myself and professors I would follow halfway around the world if that's what they wanted me to do.

I don't know what's wrong this time, or how I can fix it. I have never felt closer to nothingness. I have never felt closer. You know it doesn't take much to really get there.