Good day

Friday was a good day.

That night I had a strange dream where I almost confessed my desires to a man in a church who was talking to me with a microphone while everyone else watched. I broke open a glass window between the desert world and the green grass, and I went in search of pink and blue plastic children's toys. My lanky, short-haired, androgynous companion and I got chased by armed guards. They were surrounding a bag scanning conveyor belt that was in the grass and lead nowhere. We were also chased by a crazy man with long hair who told us that he had been in our position before. As we ran up a big green grassy hill as the sun was setting and making everything golden, we saw the shadow of a large bird on the ground. The crazy man told us not to run. We didn't anymore, and we got picked up by these eagles and carried to the top of the hill safely.

The days after dreams are either unsettling or perfect.

I spoke in all of my classes. I was listening to Ani DiFranco the night before, and she said that silence fosters violence and oppression, and I realized that no matter how afraid I am of speaking in class, I have to make myself heard.

I then picked up a light kit and a camera and headed to My Dog Joe where I met John after he had lunch with his mother. It was busy there, and I caught glances of people I knew, and people I would like to know. In particular there was this breath stopping body that I couldn't stop staring at. I think I am very obvious in that way, or I feel obvious but am not really at all.

John's mom drove me to his apartment. I was very grateful because it was snowing and I had heavy things to carry. We got to his apartment, and we sat on his bed and talked and laughed. Then we took photos that I ended up liking. Photos for our number one english fan. We went outside and it was snowing, and I filmed him doing random things for the project of mine that he was in. We laughed, uploaded photos, and talked about little books, and how I was really good at mail.

I carried my heavy things down to the bus stop, and I didn't even mind. It was snowing in big beautiful clumps, and I always feel more beautiful when it snows. I didn't even care that my sleeve got soaked when I was trying to keep the snow from peeking into the light kit box. I got off of the bus, and met my mom and my aunt at a restaurant for dinner. It was a random chance that they would be there when I was coming home. We got salads and sandwiches and I showed them my favourite photos from the day.

I got home, and I got a beautiful package from Texas, and one from the UK. One from a friend, the other a moleskine journal round robin that I have to send out within the next week. You fill up 1/4 of the book and then pass it on. This is the first book I've gotten from someone, I feel like I sent mine ages ago, but I was glad to get this one.

Carly's luggage came today, and in the missing bag was a dress that she bought for me. It fits, but it shows off my chest in a way that I'm not really comfortable with. I kept making jokes and posing as the pin-up librarian for my aunt, sister and mum.

To Sobeys Carly and I went for some chic peas for the chili. I bought some food for work tomorrow, and some crispers for the hockey game. We talked to the cashier for about ten minutes. She seemed really nice, and was maybe glad for a chat with someone close to her age.

We went home and watched hockey and speed skating. I feel like an Olympic nerd, but I was emotionally invested in every second of the game and races tonight. It felt weird to be so emotionally invested in something. Then, I sat in my bed and looked through this girl's photos online from the beginning of her 365 project, and I fell in love a bit with them and her. The first person she fell in love with had the same name as mine, and she used to have a bike named Sadie B after Sadie Benning who I secretly want to find and interview and show her all my videos.

Now I am in bed and I am going to go to bed soon. I feel silly for writing such average things, but I want to remember today because it was the day I had no ghosts. The third day is usually the hardest day to get through, and it was great. Tomorrow will be day four, and we will see what happens. I can see that I am healing in small ways, and meaningful ones.

Tomorrow is dressing up, work, and reading. Lots of coffee. A show. Photos, people watching, and being passive aggressive. More coffee, and maybe a green couch. Who knows?

I feel genuinely good for the first time in months.

I only regret that I did not take any pictures of the snow, but the snow will still be here tomorrow.