Proposal to the Ethics Board

I spent hours of my life on you in the past two days.

When I could have been creating something beautiful

Thinking about someone beautiful.

You made me write down everything.

Everything.

Every thought that I had about the issue.

The movie I would have made before this is gone.

Because of all this its going to be different.

It already feels different.

I love it a little less than I used to.

I had to love it to do this, but now I love it a little less.

I was supposed to feel more confident than this.

I like making movies because they make me feel confident.

I have an idea, then I grab the pieces of it together.

I plan, I direct.

I tell people how to sit.

What to wear.

Then I take everything, and piece it all together.

I decide my footage. I decide the final product.

I choose what you see, how you see it, and when you see it.

Now I just feel weak.

Tired.

Raped.

Twelve pages shoved between my legs.

And I had to take it.

What are you going to do?

Tell the institution

That you don't want to be fucked by the system?

That this is different from those other student projects

Because you're not trying to quantify anything?

They would say

"Sorry, we can pass your project"

Even now

After I did what they wanted

They still get to decide if I get to express myself

Or make something about flowers.

Some art version of adult pop contemporary.

Because I don't think I could have it in me

To make something meaningful for awhile.

I'm going to go in there tomorrow

And shove their fucking papers in their face

I'm going to be as angry as I'd be allowed to be.

But it doesn't erase this feeling.

I don't know why I'm trying to explain it.

You don't know what its like until it happens to you.