"Normal" is killing me

At first I thought it was just the stress of everything. Being tired at 11:30pm was just the stress of the past few days and weeks that had collapsed onto themselves and needed to be slept out when one was in a saner mindset. I let myself fall asleep that early and earlier.

A few other days happened, and I noticed that I fell asleep at around 11:00pm, and woke up at 7:00am or earlier. This is what normal is. You are supposed to get 8 hours of sleep, and that is what I was getting.

For someone who counts on the later hours of the evening to get things done, I was falling asleep well before I got anything accomplished. I have re-framed my work ethic to try to get things done earlier in the day before going home so that at least some progress is made.

I am supposed to give this whole medical process about 8-12 months, and it's been not nearly that long. Gotta be hopeful about it of course.

Coping with the coping

It is very hard to rationalize being on this drug. I know so few people who take medication, and are open about it. I feel different. I am smiling, and usually I don't smile. I feel like I didn't earn this sensation, this feeling.

It is something that I only struggle with understanding at night.

During the day I feel fantastic and lucid.

At night, I wonder if I am doing the right thing.

Too good?

Listening to Regina Spektor, sitting cross-legged on my bed. I am a hundred ideas and motivated. I realize I have felt very bad for a very long time. I am on antidepressants, and have been for about a week. Placebo or not, things are changing.

I am preparing myself for the less than glamourous full package deal:

-general side effects

-continued depression

-possible "zombieness"

-possibility of fucking it all up again

-becoming a cultural statistic

-becoming a "victim" of the "pharmaceutical blah blah blah"

-addiction to something new

-withdrawl symptoms when stopping

More or less

They don't make it like you do.

I realized today that there aren't many people who can do the things that I do. People don't think about things like I do, and I don't mean assignments. I have so many talents, and so much development that can happen. This is proving to myself, at least for now, that I deserve to be here.

Everything was calm, cold, and quiet.

Dearest,

I am incredibly tired, for what it's worth. I am still sick, sad, depressed, and very cold. I woke up this morning tired and not wanting to go to work. It took an incredible effort to get out of bed, an even greater effort to get dressed and everything in between and after. I didn't really feel awake until after two pm.

I am exhausted, and there is so much to do that I have put off. Tomorrow there are about a hundred and a half things to do, and I am not entirely prepared for all of them. An appointment at school, two appointments with professors, a group meeting, an audio recording session, and I have to pick up video equipment, and presumably film something, edit that something and finish it for Tuesday. Not to mention reading responses, a food journal, and a paper due Wednesday-none of which I have started. I might possibly spontaneously combust, or spontaneously do something else. Is it worth sleeping if you will only sleep for a few hours?

Art smart, crazy mary

In between the stomach pains and all the too much sleep, I have been having some sporadic, somewhat brilliant ideas. Particularly I want to create physical spaces, invite people to my house, create an entirely new faculty at my university, regulate the world, make zines, and live in public places. This seems about the only part of me that is working right.