Ever since my mom found out certain things about me I would rather she didn't know, a lot of paper documentation of my life and feelings has become mostly or completely digital. Some private, some public, or semi-public.
Today felt a lot like this picture. It wasn't a good day. I skipped class for no reason other than I couldn't think. I couldn't stand to be inside a small crammed classroom, even though I had waited a year to take the class. Shut down during my group meeting. Couldn't contribute in a meaningful way, couldn't think of the things I needed say. I don't know why I'm here in this city, at school, or breathing, when I can't even appreciate any of it.
For the first time in my life since the trick or treating age, I have some semblance of Halloween plans. As a kid, Halloween was always a stressful time of the year because trick-or-treating implied that you had friends. It was one of those nights when there was a lot of pressure to make plans, dress up and go out. As a twenty-something, it didn't change.
I haven't felt "normal" for two weeks.
It is discomforting. There are times when I am so motivated to accomplish great things, and I can see my future. Today, on the bus, I could see it all laid out. Spend this summer learning code, make zines. Get a job at a camp, or somewhere. Got to a few zine fairs. Apply in the fall for a new media grad program in BC. Hopefully get in, and go to BC for a few years. Get a good job in field. Go north for a few years.
I can't see the sky through the clouds anymore. I don't want to get out of bed anymore, and I don't know why. Fuck. I'm supposed to be the one who accomplishes things in my family. Everyone has great expectations of me. I want to accomplish things. My head hurts, and I just want to go to sleep. Nothing makes this better.
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