Tell them

Tell them who I was. Tell them I never felt like an artist, but spent my whole short life chasing that title. Tell them I thought too much. Tell them I was something, someone, or on my way getting there. Tell them I was no hetero. Tell them what that means if they don't know.

Tell them I loved the band Wintersleep. Tell them I wanted them to play the song, "Dead Letter and The Infinite Yes" when I die, and at whatever service happens. Tell them just to play a lot of Wintersleep. I don't care so long as its Wintersleep.

Tell them I didn't really belong. Tell them all this as I am telling you. Tell them I was bullied until I bullied myself. Tell them I had scars because I lived, and tell them I was in a lot of pain, but not the kind that anyone can see or recognize. It's ok if you tell them this. This is something they should know about me. Tell them I would have been a better lover than before, but I loved no one enough. Tell them I drank a lot of coffee, too much coffee, at all hours of the day and night.

Make sure you tell them that when I rode the bus home, I rode the 1 bus home. Tell them I rode it all the time, and most of the time I rode it alone. I rode it home to my messy room, but I didn't ride it home tonight. Tell them I sometimes slept over at school.

Tell everyone I was great. I was great, really fucking great, and I made interesting things. Tell them I was interesting. You just had to get to know me. Tell them I loved the way my words and printing looked on paper.

Tell your penpals. There was this girl, she was so awesome. She was sad, but she was awesome. She sent great mail art. She was really good at mail. Tell yourself, tell your parents I existed. Tell them I was the girl who was shy, but not really shy. Tell them I was your friend if I was your friend. Tell them at the very least I thought I was your friend. Don't forget to tell them the story about the girl getting accosted downtown. The girl I saved, even though you don't tell the story right. Tell them I stood up for things I believed in.

Tell them I was a feminist and a theorist, and I made really cool videos and animations. Don't forget to tell them I made songs. I made beautiful, happy, and sad songs. Songs people loved more than they loved me. Tell them I had a beautiful voice. Try to describe it for them, even though I know you won't be able to capture it in words. How can you capture anything in words? Tell them that I said that.

Everything was short-lived, but tell them it was fantastic. Tell them I was strange. You know how I was strange. I don't mind if you tell them this because it was the truth. Tell them I was strange and I lost a lot of things, but I understood a lot. I couldn't break free from it all, until I did. Tell them I was upset at first, but I didn't mind. Tell them if you think about it enough, you don't mind.

If you forget to tell them all of this, just tell them it doesn't matter if someone is loved, or has friends. Tell them you have to feel loved, you have to feel like you have friends. This is much more complicated, and much more difficult, because all brains were not created the same. Tell them I didn't feel loved, tell them I didn't feel like I had friends even though it might have looked otherwise. Tell them it was a feeling that never really passed.

Tell them I apologized for everything that happened. They will know exactly what that means because I made mistakes that hurt them. I was sorry. I never meant to love too much or too little, to write mean things, or unwated things. I never meant to ignore anyone.

Tell them that life is inevitable, life is inevitably short. Tell them you never do everything you wanted to. Tell them that it is ok. Hug them for me, and tell them it is ok. You will tell them this, right?

(I hope this does not offend or alarm anyone, because its not meant to be read in that way. I am still going to be here tomorrow. In fact, I will probably see you tomorrow. I know disclaimers are supposed to take care of this, but I am too intense at times for my own sake)