How to be the leading lady in your life story

I feel like somebody took the wind out of my chest.

They went in when I was sleeping and stole a bit of it to make the northwind, leaving me tired.

I wish I could have a movie frame moment. The kind that I saw today when I was on my way to school. A bunch of people sitting on someone's porch when the light was beautiful, and it was warm outside. I believe that directors go around collecting these moments and put them into their pockets because they feel magical.

I feel so tired. I can barely walk in a straight line, and I am supposed to be the hero. I decided that I would stop relying on other people to care about my life, and rely on myself. Heros have to be certain things. They have to be in control. They have to at some point know what they are doing with their lives.

I am sorry. I'm trying to write about a single thing, to filter all my thoughts into a single idea, and it doesn't seem to be working very well. I feel like I need to be radical. To change everything about who I am, so that I am someone better.

I feel sick. I feel so tired. I can barely raise my head up to write this. I just want to sleep forever. But I'm supposed to be strong. I'm supposed to be strong. Oscillating from weak to strong. Weak. Weak. Strong. Stronger.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Saturday March 6, 2010

Coffees 16/i365

Saturday March 6, 2010 I love being tolerant.

I had too much coffee today. I don't know why coffee sometimes makes me feel better. More awake, more here. I know I should probably drink less than I do. There are worse things that one could drink.

The world fell apart 26/365

Saturday March 6, 2010

Today the world fell apart, and I was there when it happened. I felt my body separating from itself as it sometimes does. I felt the fear and self-loathing in my chest pummel through my veins. I whispered in my room to my grandmother who is dead. I whispered to her for an hour lying on my side until I couldn't whisper anymore.

Before that I couldn't breathe very well. I couldn't breathe very well at all, and I kept trying to breathe better and better and this lasted for about ten minutes, but I think that it felt like I couldn't breathe for years. And I tried to suck in air, and keep sucking it in, but I really couldn't. I really couldn't breathe. Then my mother came into my room and started being angry with me, and I felt my heart rise up into my chest, and I felt like I was going to faint. That all the blood had finally decided to drain from my body and this was it.

So as I laid in bed at night, I asked the world, I asked the universe, and I asked my grandmother for many things. I asked them to speed up all of this, and that whatever the point is, that I sometime get it because I don't think that I am getting it very well right now. Then I went to bed, and I was disappointed that I got up on Sunday, the day that I am writing this all down.

Friday March 5, 2010

Normal 15/i365

Friday March 5, 2010 I love my perseverance.

I take snapshots of my life. I compress them into little thoughts or words and I compare those against other people that I know. I know that one shouldn't do this, but I do this often. I try to subtract and divide and multiply my life with against or ontop of theirs. I don't want to be explicit, but I don't think that how I'm living is ok. I'm almost certain of it. Within the boundaries of normal and not normal in the very loosest sense of the parameters, I don't think that I fall within, or that my life and all of these things are normal. And I don't quite know what to make of it anymore.

The singer 25/365

Friday March 5, 2010

In honor of international women's day coming up, there was a singer in the student centre. She sang very well, and I wish I could have stayed longer but I had to get to class. This was just snapped from afar.

Thursday March 4, 2010

14/i365 Twenties

Thursday March 4, 2010 I love that I'm growing up. Today I wrote out 20 lists of 20 things in honour of turning 20 soon. I made two copies, and I think I already know who I'm going to give them to. I got really into the project, and didn't really do much else today. I've been thinking about the Ani Difranco song, "My IQ". More or less spoken word poetry. But I really like it. I feel breakable and takable like this world I live in.

I'm starting to feel spring-like. I want to wear dresses and chase fragments of lovers down the street and downtown until they stop walking and the sun sets. I want to eject the feelings from the pit of my stomach, so I turn all this love, all this spring into things that aren't really productive in the real sense of productivity. Come back to me.

Who we are right now 24/365

Thursday March 4, 2010

I think about all the things that make me who I am. The moments before and after and during this photo. Walking and joking about life, love, and art. Running into someone who knows more about me than I'm comfortable with them knowing. Who found out by accident and because I was nervous two months ago and answered every question they asked me about things I should have just nodded to.

But its ok now. We laugh and joke about things when we run into each other. He keeps me updated with how the kids in his neighbourhood are doing. Their skateboards and running around.

I wonder if I pick my friends well. If I've found what I search for, if I'm part of something, someone as much as they are part of me. Maybe I'm expendable, forgettable, and really not knowable. It's easier to say "I don't know" than to say I know a few things but not enough to make sense of them all.

Wednesday March 3, 2010

13/i365 Benches Benning

Wednesday March 3, 2010 I love the lines on my leg. Because of where they tell I've gone, where I'm going and how I'm getting there or not.

Outside of Togo Salmon Hall

Where I am not ashamed to admit I spent the early hours of the morning shivering on a couch surrounded by machines. I should live closer to this place. Laisser tomber les filles.

You are beautiful 23/365

Wednesday March 3, 2010

It was the most beautiful day ever today. I really enjoyed the sun. It was a remedy for someone who did not sleep very well the night before, or very much actually. I wanted to run around and take photos for hours, but I had no will. I found some really interesting things. A shopping list, and a tag for something that was $100. It was just a good day, and even the sun seemed to think so.

Other photos:

This was almost my photo of the day. I like to sneak pictures of strangers from behind.

I like this even though its not quite how I wanted it to turn out. It's a bit crooked.

Parking meters in Westdale.

Distract me not. March 2, 2010

I've decided to disband my flickr for about two weeks. Instead I will be uploading my photos here so I can keep track of what days I post them, so that when I go back on flickr, I'll be able to easily see which ones to upload. I don't really want to fall behind, and I don't want to forget the little stories behind each photo.

12/i365 Minimal self

Tuesday March 2, 2010

(already wrote something about this, but I forget what exactly)

"I'd really rather not" 22/365
Tuesday March 2, 2010

I was looking to try and take photos of things. I took this on the school computers in the Learning Commons while I was working on my paper. I ran out of time, and it was getting dark. So, I wanted to ask these two people if I could take a picture of them. I guess they're kind of popular people. I see them on campus. It was sun set, the light was perfect, and they were sitting on bench by a tree. But, I asked them, and the girl said "I'd rather not, I'd really rather not." Shot down. So, here's another photo of me. All and all a narcissistic day.

Half an hour sleep

The last time I slept for more than half an hour was a day ago. I woke up at 8:45am Monday, and haven't been to bed since. Going on thirty-five hours awake. Not the most I've done. This is turning into something I do once a week. My heart's beating faster than usual. I think its part coffee, and part lack of sleep.

All I want to do is touch someone's face right now. I think I tried to relate this to someone, but it didn't come out exactly how I wanted it to. I want to touch someone's face and experience what its like to touch someone's face in this deliriously tired state I'm in. I can't explain why. It's just something I really want to do. I also want to go for a really long walk, but I don't think I will unless I get some sleep tonight.