Still.

Gave in.
Missed it.
I can pass this off as an accidental slip in judgement.
Or
It's starting again.
Cutting.

I know.
Same old shit, right?
I can still get away with it.
You just have to be careful when other people know.
Like buying gauze and medical tape.

I know why I did it.
Because I'm scared of not doing it
And my other coping mechanisms suck.

Shouldn't feel like I have to cope with life.
Should just be able to live it.

Should be an interesting few days.
I have that guilty feeling again.
I forgot what that felt like.

Feel a little nothingness again.
I forgot what that felt like too.

I simultaneously want this
But I don't want to go back to how things were.
I've worked so hard to get here.
I'm a deer, remember?
Deer don't look back.

I look at the new lines.
I always do this.
I look at them and honestly think of how they make me feel.
Sometimes
I feel like a coward for doing so few
Or I feel stupid for doing so many.
Or I feel like a hand who is attached to a foreign body it hates.

Now?
I don't know.