Tiredness that can't be slept away.

I am tired. I have a tiredness that has nothing to do with the amount of sleep that you get at night. I feel tired in my chest, in my heart. Tired of waking up. Tired of going to sleep. Tired of writing things that no one reads or cares about. I am tired of having so much expected of me. I have moments where I am very awake to life, but right now I am just tired of everything.

I can't even really explain this to you. You aren't really listening, and you don't understand. I just thought that I should tell someone that I am tired and have them know how I mean it. I am tired of second guessing myself. I am tired of pixels and papers.

One day. Just one fucking day I want to disappear. Twenty four hours of being gone. No family. No work. No projects. Stare at the sky on a patch of grass in a generic location. No text messages from my mom telling me to go home. No calls from my sister yelling at me for not texting my mom back.

I want to feel nothing. I don't want the day to pass slowly. I don't want it to pass quickly. A day of not doing things. I mean, I not do things and do other things. I don't write a paper, and write an anecdote instead. No anecdotes, no papers, no things. I know I could do this for an hour, but doing nothing for a whole day might be tough. I don't even want to watch a movie. I sometimes do that on days where I do nothing. No movies, no reading, no absent-minded web browsing. I want to do nothing but lie on the grass, then probably a floor, and then maybe a bed.

I guess I would have to walk to these places which would be doing something. I just want to do as minimal things as possible. Calm my head and my whirring, churning thoughts. I don't want to have to listen to someone talk. I don't want to have to pretend to care about something, or actually care about something. I don't want to offer advice, the advice that I always rethink an hour later.

I'm just tired. So fucking tired and no one gets it.