Dream 11: Left at the border

Monday May 10, 2010
I had a dream last night. I was in a concert hall, a large stage. It was an indoor queer music festival. Dozens of feminist, queer, alternative, and indie acts were playing. I was one of them. I remember standing on stage with my guitar and people clapped when I finished playing. I nodded and smiled. The stage had red curtains, and there was a sea of seats in front of me.

I got off the stage and some petite, short haired girl in a black headset told everyone that they were renting out the stage and venue to a church afterwards. Everyone backstage was shocked. Two guys who were standing next to me laughed and sighed.

I was in the backstage room, and I was sitting on the ground putting on my shoes. It was one large holding room. Two guys who were together as a couple and in a band started singing "It's a good old hockey game." I joined in and sang, "Hello out there, we're on the air, its hockey night tonight. Tension grows as the whistle blows and the puck goes down the ice. The goalie jumps and the players bump, and the fans all go insane.." I finish the verse and go into the chorus and the next verse.

The two guys laugh and look at me. One of them says, "How do you know this song?" I feel like they are judging me and the way that I look. That in the dream I look too feminine to be a hockey fan.

Everyone is going out after the show. I am sitting on a couch waiting for the people I am going with. The couch is a long, green, vintage one. I look down the couch, and I see the crossed legs of twelve girls. They are wearing different coloured stockings and high heeled shoes. Red stockings and golden heels, green stockings and brown shoes, yellow shoes, green stockings, white shoes. They are pretty girls with blonde hair, brown hair, red hair. They are wearing short skirts and dresses. I feel like I'm in a movie. I'm the only wearing jeans. They are blue.

A girl with long, wavy brown hair comes up to me, and we're ready to go. I grab my things, and we walk down the hallway a bit. Leah's leaning on the wall, and the girl tells her to come along. We get in the car, and I text Nesreen to tell her that I can't go to the art crit thing because I won't be back in time.

I'm in the car, and the long brown haired girl is talking, Leah's in the passenger seat, and I'm in the back, middle with a guy and a girl on either side. They're talking about this great party that we're going to be going to. I'm excited too. The brown haired girl takes a scenic route to Niagara falls winding up mountains and tall hills. We travel across long, almost impossibly long and high roads that are surrounded by green shrubbery.

The girl mentions something about the party being in the states. I fumble through my wallet, and I only have my healthcard. I don't have a passport or a driver's license. I immediately panic. I ask the people in the car, "Is the party in the states? What do you need to get over the border?"

"Passport, or a driver's license," Leah says from the front.

I tell them I don't have one. We're in a residential area of Niagara Falls now, so too far to turn completely back. I know they're going to still go to the party without me. I tell them I can't go, and they pull up to an area near the border that is residential. I don't want to ruin their evening. I get out. I don't mind getting out, but the thing that bothers me the most is that Leah doesn't care or say anything. No, "seeya later," or "that sucks, have fun here," or "let me know how your night turns out." She starts laughing with the brown haired girl in the front seat. I knew Leah more than the girl who was driving me, and they get in the car and go off. I wake up mad at being blindly left at the border.

I told this dream to my therapist today, and she ask me what I thought it meant, or if it meant anything.
I said, "I don't know."