It's better when I'm gone.

Leaving for camp in exactly a week.

No one will worry about being bothered with my late night thoughts, and Jeremy and John will not have to worry that I'll sleep on their couch too many times and use the wrong sheets. My mom won't be bothered by someone talking back to her, and my sister won't be bothered by my asking to hang out with her. As of late, she always responds with anger and frustration.

My brother will get to spend all the time he wants with my dad, by himself watching sports. Everyone else will meet their friends, make art, make plans, and do things without me there to be awkward, depressed, or antisocial.

Away from everyone, I'll feel needed, wanted, and like people care and rely on me and my opinions.

When I come back, I never feel missed. I know I'm not memorable or missable to the people here. I only have to look at the summers as evidence. Three summers of being gone, and never once did I feel missed when I came home.

On days when I come back, I feel like I should be gone. I used to think that because I was gone all summer, that people would want to see me when I came back.

Last summer I was playing a set at an art-a-thon. I was so excited about it. I told everyone beforehand at camp that I was going to hang out with my friends. I told everyone I knew about it in advance. I texted them when I was coming home, I told my sister I was going. Then I went, and no one came. People were busy, already made plans.

Already made plans, and most of them couldn't text me back when I asked, "Are you coming?"

I took the stage alone. I set up my guitar, started singing for no one. After, I was going to go to a movie by myself, but got yelled at for being out alone by my mother.

I'm sick of trying to figure out why people don't want to hang out with me. I'm sick of trying to figure out why the only way I can get someone to hang out with me is if I plan it three weeks in advance, and even then they'll cancel on me. I'm sick of feeling inadequate, too shy, and not beautiful enough to be seen with.

It's rare when someone says, "hey aly, let's hang out on such and such a day and do something," where such and such a day is tomorrow, or some spontaneous time.

That's why I'm better gone, which makes me think I'm better gone gone in the long run.

This is going to be the summer of singletude. I am going to do what I want to do, and fuck everyone else. I am going to make plans every day and every night that I am home. Even if the plans are going to the movies every night alone, fuck it. I'm going to be too busy for everyone else, like they are too busy for me.