Ownership and Self-censorship

I try not to be a consumer, but I like to consume.

Not in the way of buying things. Even what I am wearing now, its evident I'm not a consumer who buys a lot. My bag came from my great aunt, my shoes were paid for by my mom's insurance because I have shitty feet. The tights I am wearing I got for Christmas, the skirt I have on, my sister gave me when she was cleaning out her closet. The cardigan is borrowed (without asking), and I am wearing a blue shirt I stole from my dad's value village pile.

Most days I wear at least one thing someone gave or bought for me, or something I bought second hand. I like wearing other people's clothing, clothes that they've given me. I feel more myself.

I like to consume people. I was reading that last post, and I realized that's what I do, and I just didn't realize it before. I'm not a pimp, I don't have twenty groups of friends. I like owning and consuming people. It's more than just the women's earrings that I collect. I used to be really jealous of my friends when they would have other friends. I guess I still am in some ways, but it was a lot worse when I was younger.

As a kid, I never understood why my cat didn't want to stay with me all the time. Cats like to wander around, sleep at the edge of your bed, go outside. They kill birds, mice, and aren't seen all the time. I would chase, grab, squeeze and hold my cat because I never wanted it to leave me alone. She always had to leave and do something, and this made me sad every time.

I don't like people to own me though. I think that's why I'm so reluctant to record my music, or make the art or thoughts I have available to a lot of people. I don't want to become an object. I don't want people to have this power over me where they can choose to read me, or put me on a shelf.

I like photographs and blogs that belong to other people. There are 10 girls with flickr accounts I look at almost every day even if they don't update. There's a handful of blogs or tumblrs that I frequent, but its mostly the pictures that capture me. I consume their images, I consume the moment they've chosen to share.

I think this is why I've made my blog private for a few days. Most people don't read my blog, or look at my flickr photos. It's different for me having someone consume a picture I took. Pictures are pictures. I know no one looks at the pictures I take of myself, so I don't have to worry about being consumed and owned like the girls that I own. It's my thoughts that I'm the most worried about. You would think, "Why worry about invisible things like thoughts? You write your thoughts all the time in letters and stories and things you give to people."

It's different.