Too gay for me.

I'm too gay for me.

Too queer for me.

I feel kind of like when you used to get a new toy when you were younger.

You would play with it, until you lost interest.

This queer identity,

Actually having a fucking identity,

instead of being afraid, lying, and hiding...

Is so new to me.

I've been super gay and self-accepting for a few months.

Super super queer in the past few weeks.

I just want to shake myself and say,

"Listen, get over it!"

I haven't been able to.

It's consuming me.

I remember in elementary school, when girls would experiment with makeup. They would put on so much, cake on the eyeliner and blue eyeshadow. Eventually when they got to high school, they toned down their look accordingly.

Wore less mascara, traded blues for pale pinks, outrageous lipsticks became pink lip gloss. Well, unless you were my sister, but generally speaking.

I haven't quite figured how to tone this down yet.

I feel like a fifteen year old boy. Even my sister rolls her eyes at me, when my own eyes so unsubtly wander and betray my thoughts. I want to be laid back and cool, not so hyper tense, not so girls girls girls (this is more like GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS).

In a way I'm impressed by older queer women, older lesbians who seem to be comfortable in their own selves. Most notably the dyke who works at the city dump who probably doesn't lose her mind when a girl walks by her. She rocks the short hair, the cool gaze, and the smirky nod.

Because she's the smirky nod, I'm the awkward hug.

The I'm not sure if I'm going to hug you,

but you're leaning in like we're going to hug, so I'll open my arms like this and back away a bit. Oh but we're really going to hug, so I'll hug you but I'm not sure if this is right.

Story of my life. I can't stop thinking about everything as it happens, making all my movements, thoughts, and actions even more awkward.

I can't stop thinking about how cool smirky nods, and confident girl eye contact are.

I feel like everyday is pride parade in my head. All I need is some fucking rainbows or something.

I'm too gay for me.

(Photo 1:Amadika)

(Photo 2:lost the url)

(Photo 3: Rawr-Roar)