Monday March 8, 2010

I am not a doll 18/i365

Monday March 8, 2010 I love that I am changeable.

Someone once told me two summers ago that I looked like a doll. Like a toy doll. It was mostly a combination of my hair and face. I know it was supposed to be a compliment, but I sometimes think about it in a negative way. I know I'm not a doll, and most people don't think that I am a doll, but it stuck with me in a way that frustrates me. Not to mention that this was the only photo that I took of myself Monday where I didn't look like a hooker or weird.

I am getting rid of my hair. I am planning to get it cut dramatically in an attempt to say something to myself with my body. I have had this same hair since I was six years old. Basically the same style. I want to do something different. Even if I hate it, I want to go through the experience of hating it instead of having this longing to be different and change. [I read this over, and I don't mean to "be different" to become a different person to other people. I want to be different to myself, to feel more in line with how I want to feel, and act and be].

My hairdresser is a friend of my sister's, and by extension a friend of mine. He won't let you get hair that won't suit you. I just hope that the hair I want suits me.

Busses and mornings 28/365

Monday March 8, 2010

Beautiful days. They distract me so much. I want to run down the street from the glance of an elbow, and go on a random, borderline stalker adventure to find out where she lives. It wouldn't be stalking if you were going in the same direction. I wonder what happens in these instances where I go where I am supposed to instead of following these moments of inhibition through.

I like to think that I'm doing the right thing, and I would end up worse afterwards. One day I'm going to follow her, and pluck an idea from the air around her shoulders. If that should be the most I ever got to know her, I would at least have something to create her with. "the memory of you and the time we went down to the forest"

Oh bother. Spring is close.